Taxonomy of the Indian Two Wheeler 'Driver'

I have two lame observations to make about the title first before I get into the classification and dissection of the Two Wheeler Class around us:

1. The word “Indian” in the title is because of the tremendous similarity in the two wheeler riders across the length and breadth of our country. Also, not having been to any other country helps in labeling and blaming Indians easily.
2. I call the Rider a Driver because in many parts of India, a two wheeler is still called a “gaadi” (probably reminiscent of the aspirations of a stifled economy in pre-liberalised India) and hence its mentor should be called a driver, right?

Indians are Karmic in nature. They believe in the cycle of life, of life and death and of rewards and punishments. Hence, it only seems natural that they are in love with cycles. We first learn the tricycle, the bicycle, the motorcycle and only the joyous few get their “hands on a wheel” rather than sitting on it. So, you see the importance of the status of the two wheeler driver is immense and I was hugely upset to find few notable works of little value for reference on this omnipresent class.

Taking the title of the post too seriously, lets refer to the Indian rider as a “Kingdom” and classify the various types of riders into phyla. (Yeah, you bleddy engineers, forgot your biology?!)

1. Rideris Cannibalis: He/She is the king of the Rider Kingdom, or at least behaves so. A hero on the street. Considers the helmet a brutal headgear that destroys meticulous hairstyles. Even if he/she happens to carry one, it is carefully kept hanging on the hand instead, transferred to its rightful place on the head only when a policeman is nearby. Giving left, right indicators before turning are too un-macho for this hero and hence he/she believes in giving deft (read subtle) glances to the drivers coming from the opposite direction. It is akin to watching Sachin and Sehwag setting off for a run just by making eye contact. This phylum can also double as circus performers- tricks like riding with both hands off the handle or with a mobile stuffed in the helmet (in case a call needs to be made) is like a caravan on the move!   

2. Rideris Jiffialis: This rider is always in hurry, even while going to work on Monday mornings! That palpable excitement and impatience makes me wonder how badly he/she loves his/her work. May be they are doing some real “research and development” and dying to lay their hands over it. Traffic signals are quite a threat to this phyla and they often prepare to give it a skip even if it means inconveniencing the pedestrian kingdom. Who cares about the insects, anyways. Survival of the Fittest they proudly proclaim. In a traffic jam, there is more probability of finding them on pedestrian pavements with their modus-transport than on the road itself.

3. Rideris Youngsterlis: the modus-transport for this phylum is often the non-geared bikes. Members of this phylum are known to be extremely swift, zappy and quite unmindful of traffic rules. The most common characteristics of this phyla are eyeshades and spiked hair. Their skills of making their bikes turn with an extremely short radius has been known to give complex to the other kingdom of road predators called the autowallahs.

4. Rideris Olderlis: This phylum predates the IT era. Their modus-transport is the erstwhile “hamara Bajaj” which is as Indian as something can get. Yeah, I know the scooters found in India have Italian origins, but we have quite a fetish for adopting Italian exports, don't we (bing!)?! The vehicle can pack four or even five people making the need for a four wheeler sound as important as to be born with a silver spoon in the mouth. The modus-transport is known to release effluents in the air often giving an impression of a foggy day in Delhi to the members behind.

5. Rideris Discipulus: The one with a "L" sign, a red taped L which more or declares the rider is at the mercy of others and should be excused for all wrong moves. Even "Rideris Cannibalis" is often ...puzzled by the eccentric moves and grave restlessness of this phylum.. Unpredictable and dangerous on one hand, meek on the other.. The female of this phylum is particularly dangerous, treading within a hand's distance of the female Rideris Discipulus is inviting trouble!! (courtesy: Abhishek Pathak)

6. Rideris Greenpeacelis : this phylum takes tokenism to the next level closely beating the candle light marches arounf India Gate.Yyou can spot members of this phylum pretending to rule the roads on a sunday morning on cycles - sleepy spouses and bored children in tow - all wearing green just in case someone misses the point - of which I am not really sure because come Monday morning, its back to the Innovas and the Fortuners. (courtesy: Narsimh Kamath)

7. Rideris Helplesslis: This is an endangered phylum. Memers of this phylum follow rules more than the rule makers themselves. Partly because of lack of faith in one's own riding skills and partly because of the fear of facing the police on being caught without the bike documents. These people are often found waiting on signals even when there is no traffic. They basically just love to abide by rules. Another salient feature of this phylum is the sartorial pleasure they experience when the traffic police gets hold of any person belonging to the first four categories.

When the first 5 categories' riders become real drivers (yes, with fake licences and economic prosperity) it is as easy as getting Navjot Siddhu to open his mouth, they become a greater menace. For the last phylum though, they continue to drive their cars slow and experience the sartorial pleasure of seeing others caught in the midst of getting harassed by the first four category of “drivers”

Please comment on any new phylum you have come across or if any other characteristic needs to be included in this study. After all, it is still about enjoying the journey, ain't it?